Thinking about it all…
Posted by kamekazen on September 17, 2008
I had a dream last night that I was back at UR. It was the first dream that felt real to me in a long time and I woke up feeling kind of dazed and sad inside.
Thinking about it all.. I still don’t know if it was all worth it. A big part of me thought it’d be the right thing to go back. I had convinced myself I was miserable at the school and couldn’t wait to take things a bit easier back home. And yet, there’s not a moment that goes by that I don’t think about what could have been if I had stayed. Everywhere I go I see constant reminders of what I’m missing. Sometimes I’d be walking and I’d see someone familiar. I look back and no, it’s just a random person that looks like someone else I know. And sometimes that person reminds me of a friend I considered close back there. At 3AM I’d sit here and think about what I’d be doing if I was there again; probably watching TV, cramming last minute for a test, playing Risk late into the night, or possibly doing a astonishingly late night Walmart run with friends. Not really all that different from what I could be doing here but I somehow feel things are so different.
I thought I knew what I was doing but I don’t know anymore. I miss what could have been. I miss what should have been. I miss thinking I knew what was right. And I wish I knew which direction to go.
I miss that missing part of me.